In my first post, I did not know what the word for ‘the beginning’ was in Tumbuka and my cousin was definitely not right in her suggestion of Chakwamba. Shout out to Aunt Amy for setting us both straight, well the whole family group chat straight, apparently other group members, outside the group chat had been asking what ‘the beginning’ actually was, with very little success. So now I don’t feel so bad about my Tumbuka skills.
So the word is actually JANDO…
JANDO: The Beginning
It feels like I was destined to learn this word because it perfectly describes my experiences these past couple weeks. Starting to blog; the beginnings of an old, new friendship and starting work as a permanent employee, no more volunteering. My thoughts on my first two weeks, you have to get comfortable with the things that make you uncomfortable or come to terms with who you are. The thing is, it is so easy to come to terms with the positive things not so much the negative things.
What did I have to come to terms with: THE USE OF ONE POOL PHONE!
That had me freaking out, you mean I have to stand here whilst everyone listens in: GOODNESS. Why would anyone do that to somebody else, maybe I am the only one uncomfortable with this but I was wigging. My solution: I decide that I come in early, make all the calls that I need to make before most of the people come in *hidesface*
It got me thinking and asking myself, why was I so uncomfortable? I remembered the words of my supervisor during my masters program ‘you are good, you are actually great and fabulous! You sort of know it but Thandie you have got to believe it entirely and own it.’ My discomfort came from thinking that what I would say or saying was not good enough and that I would get judged for it, this coupled with new person jitters, everyone is looking at you even if they pretend that they are not. I think I was always going to be in the position I found myself in.
New experiences and the power of magnifying your paranoid thoughts and make you act in ways that complement the paranoia. In this case, ways that chip off at your levels of confidence. It seems small but it is usually the small things that lead to bigger things. Thank God for a masters in Clinical Social Work and a supervisor that harnessed the power of my natural skill of introspection. I became aware of what I was doing and took a moment to process it all. I have stopped making calls at a time convenient for me, am I less paranoid, definitely, do my paranoid thought still lurk in the background, yes but as someone who is a fan of Brene Brown, courage is being vulnerable, I have found the courage to to make the calls as a way of saying this is who I am and this is who I am on a phone.
However this was not about the phone (well the phone as well as a trigger), it reminded me that “You are Fabulous, believe it!” and it is something that we have to remind ourselves everyday.
The musings of ‘that Malawian Girl from the Northern Mountains’